I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
