Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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