Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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