dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Randomize
