The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
