I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Randomize
