Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Randomize
