I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Randomize
