Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Randomize
