Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
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