Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Randomize
