Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
