I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
