you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Randomize
