I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I can't put those talents on a resume
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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