and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
we made out on top of his cat.
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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