How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
