y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
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