ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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