Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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