What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
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