He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
Randomize
