this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
