oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Randomize
