I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
