Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Randomize
