all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
