I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Randomize
