Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize