Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Randomize
