Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
we're making bets on your personal life
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Randomize
