I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
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