There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize