Question: terrible or awesome when a girl give you head so vigorously that you get a hickey of sorts
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
