did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
