I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
