put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
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