Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Randomize
