Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
Randomize
