Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
