Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
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