I think my fart just growled at me.
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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