My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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