a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Randomize
