I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Randomize
