I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Randomize