I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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