I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
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