sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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