I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
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