i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
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