ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Randomize
