Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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