You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Randomize
