Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
