i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
